Taboo .. When you Love but don't Like your own child at the moment.

Sometimes being a mother is heartbreaking... especially when you are a single parent that is raising two teenage sons with an irresponsible absentee father.

I made the decision of having children at a very young age. Mostly due to the fact that I didn't have a clue about life at the age of 17 and was trying to get out of a very abusive relationship with my father. We will touch on that within this two year blog.

I have made it my business to raise my sons with "examples" instead of just talk. They have never witnessed me dating many men.... I don't drink or smoke... They actually think i am Lame and boring which is hilarious to me but once i think about it, that is the way it should be.

I realized last year that i have been over compensating for the absence of their father by getting them whatever they want in life. BIG MISTAKE!!!!

Adonis ( my oldest who just turned 17) doesn't understand what hard work is and has this entitled attitude that i have created in him.

For me to be 35 and provide the type of life i have for my children is nothing but an act of God. The boys are always praised one for being so attractive and two for being so well kept. Polo, Rugby, Prada adored on their body just to run to the store is habitual for them. I have created a monster in my oldest and lately he has been feeling himself.

When i speak to him lately he has this look on his face as if he doesn't have to do anything at all. I stand at 4'11 and he is now 5'9 or 5'10 and i suppose i must look like a joke to him when i'm breaking on how he cant be home all day and not wash dishes.

So last night... after another day of him being in the house the whole day and not even moving away from the couch and the computer and video game i lost my mind!!!!!!!!

"Why is it that y'all feel that you can sit in madness and not clean up around you?"

"Sorry mom We lost track of time .... I will do it now" Kawhyii ( my sixteen year old said)

Adonis just sat there and acted as though he didn't hear me. Truthfully i never have a problem with kawhyii.... he doesn't want any issues with me and as boys do at times they forget things.... GROWN ASS MEN FORGET TO DO THINGS but i teach them it is how you handle a situation... not necessarily the severity of the situation at hand.

"Adonis get up and do what i said"

he laughed....

"Ok give me your phone"

"for what?"...... (did he say for what?)

"Adonis give me your phone right now... you are on punishment and if you can't think to just get up and clean the dishes and walk the dog then you can't think to press a button and pick up the phone and have a conversation.... what am i saying all this for i don't owe you an explanation... give me the PHONE"

"No"

DID THIS BOY TELL ME NO????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

My ex and one of my closest friends Seye was with me at that time and he grabbed my hand and walked me out of the room cause i was two seconds off of grabbing something and beating his ass.

instead i called AT&T and cancelled his account while Seye tried to talk to him....

This is an issue my oldest and i have been going through for the past 6 months. Before this time i would gloat how i never had an issue with any of my children and how they are so well behaved... which they are... but my son is smellin' his ass... and im going to kill him

In the past when this has happened i have called my positive role model male friends.... have them talk... work it out... maybe he is going through something he cant speak to his mother about... it happens..

But i will only go through this so many times before i handle it the way i normally handle someone disrespecting me.... With force.

So i go into his room and say this.... it could have been wrong but i dont care... he has to be held responsible for his actions

" Adonis... you are my child... you are a child... you haven't a clue although you think you do about how to take care of yourself and how much work goes into you feeding not only you... but the whole family. I will not have you disrespect me... the issue here is the first time you did it i should have beat your ass down but i didn't... i spoke to you and tried to reason and deal with it in a respectful way which you don't understand.

I feel now that everything has gone too far and at this moment i don't like you... i love you but i don't like you at all.. your actions are very disrespectful and i don't deserve it PERIOD. I will not deal with it either and although you heard that before from me i have to let you know... you dont know me... you really dont know me at all.. you know me to be sweet and nice mommy that cooks and is involved in your school ... knows the administration... will drop whatever to be there for you... im the only person that has your back 100%... do you understand that you cant bite the hand that feeds you? You cant disrespect those that have your back 100%!!!! i don't know what that feels like because with the exception of your grandmother God bless her soul i never had anyone have my back 100%

but here you are... grown... pumpin your chest at me as though you don't have to do the things i say...HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND???????????????

you really don't know me adonis... you really don't... and you forget that i'm not wrapped to tight at times and will flip out when i feel disrespected... I snap... but you wouldn't know that.. cause i have been so busy talking to you with respect and wasting my breath... but i feel like waiting until you are sleeping to take that cast iron skillet and beat your ass until you understand my point.... you feel what im saying...

YOU DONT KNOW ME... but you have ONE MORE TIME to ever disrespect me and i will introduce you to the crazy bitch inside of me full force and see how you deal with that... and you can call the police... Im not scared of them... you should be scared of me... Unless Jesus stops me from whippin yo ass then best get ready for the wrath .... this is life... if you disrespect a dude in the street HE WILL SHOOT YOU... and you should be embarrassed at even coming out of your face to your mother....

check yourself now...

before i check you later....

SIGH.....Why do i have to get ghetto with my child? I would rather beat him down and drive him crazy now then to have him deal with this and land himself in jail out of stupidity.

Was i right.....???????????????

I need advice... i grew up with sisters... i haven't a clue how to handle this situation.

I will tell you one thing... starting this week he and i will go volunteer at a group home or hospital where there are other children his age that live a totally different life.... i might also put him in scared straight this saturday.... just drop him off at the jail with all of his polo in a bag and make him think he is going to live there....lol... I dont know what to do!!!

Help please!

signed,

I SAID NO WIRE HANGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

24 yr olds have Lots of Energy :/ (long read..... soft porn... for adults only)

I said i would keep it honest on the day to day.... so here it goes

My day started out yesterday with doing some work.... planning the deets for my sons 16th birthday on saturday and looking at my closet and praying for help hoping that God will just hang all of the clothes all over my room:)

I got a call from my friend Lonye who asked if i would like to come over to have lunch now that my new home is BROOKLYN.

"Sure i will be over shortly"

2 Hours past of wonderful conversation when my son called me and asked for me to pick him up from his brothers house. I excused myself from Lonye and started to drive downtown when my son called AGAIN ( they do things like this all day) and said it wasn't necessary for me to pick him up he will just take the train.

COOL

Earlier that day i spoke to my boy Remi and told him i would stop by and talk to him about his rough day at work.....i decided to then go check him out.

One frappachino, a backyard party and stroll later i was then off to see someone that i have in my life that i needed to sit and talk to lets call him "Christopher Williams" or CW for short!

I left Remi and headed to TriBeCa to his house then went to eat at this dope spot called EXTRA VIRGIN....

" i think we should be together Nef. You GET me... we are cut from the same cloth... we both have money... i want a kid... im getting older... it has been a long while since we have met and we have been so into getting to know each other that we haven't been physical... i think it is our time" CW says very seriously..... meanwhile my phone kept vibrating

"Excuse me i have to see who is texting me like this... one sec" i said. The text was from the youngin.

~what are you doing? I'm thinking about you~

~why wouldn't you be thinking about me :) i'm on a date~

~I don't even know why you waste your time with these dudes... come home to papa~

( the youngin is so cocky lol)

Before I continue let me give a description.... Youngin is Panamanian, Puerto Rican, and Bahamian. about 5'10 ( he's short for me... CW is 6'3) brown skin chinky eyed, slimmmmmm and has tattoos from wrist to shoulder. Think of a super sexy and pretty Pharell.

~Im going to come play with you on another day... let me finish what i'm doing here~

~ lol@ finish.... he was finished when he sat down... listen baby, i'm sending a car for you so you can meet me at my house... i cooked dinner for you~

~im at dinner now~

~ok you can have dinner again.... you can eat the food i cooked for you... i will run you a bath with bubbles... you look like a bubble girl... and then i have desert for you afterwards~

I sat and thought about it during dinner... it has been a while since... well... yah know... I typically only have sex while in a relationship but now that i am opting Not to be in a relationship for the next two years then am i subjected to have random acts of safe pleasure at will?

I texted him back about an hour later

~send me your address... i will drive there cause i want to leave when i want to leave~

~Trust me... you will be too tired to leave until tomorrow afternoon~

I wrapped up with CW with this statement for him to rest on

" I am taking two years for me... i would like to continue to get to know you but i will not commit to anyone but myself in these next two years.... i don't care how great you are... i need time for me.... so if that is an issue let me know... but think about it ok... i will for the first time do everything i please not what anyone else wants of me. You are wonderful... it is me... think about it"

"That is amazing.. i applaud that feat! Let me think about it and i will get back to you... you already know what i want... but i have to see if im ok with fitting into your agenda"

We kissed... and i was on my way to the youngin.....

This would be the first time i ever ventured to his home and i have to say for a youngin it was well decorated! The air was filled with seafood that smelled amazing, candles where lit, and music was playing

I was greeted with a kiss.... our first one but let me explain...

The moment i came through the door i smiled and nodded my head.
" i did well?" he asked

"not bad darling " i answered. I walked past him a couple of steps and he stopped me grabbed my hand and brought me close. He kissed my forehead, my nose, my lips, my chin... looked up at me and smiled .... as he lifted my shirt over my head... he kissed my neck as he unlatched my bra, he stayed on my neck while he held my waist and slowly took off my skirt.

So now im standing naked in front of him as he travels down my body with his lips and after about 2 mins he grabs my waist and lifts me up above him as if i were Simba in the Loin King and positioned me on the wall... grabs my legs and position them on his shoulders. My back is on the wall and i wrap my legs around his neck and we are there for seems like an hour.

Youngin is strong lol

He walks me over to his bed and placed me on it gently all without missing a drop. Then we let the games begin!

2 hours later .... i HAD to call a time out...
"did you take viagra? i cant take anymore"

" Nah stella it is called 24 year old energy"

We both busted out laughing...

" Are you hungry?"

" Yeah NOW i am"

" Ok stay here... i will bring you a plate and then run your bath... i think you need to soak lol"

That food was sooo good... and i indulged in those bubbles for a long time.... sigh... i forgot how much energy you have at the age of 24.... lol.... I walked into the bedroom and got dressed.

" What are you doing?" He asked

"Going home... i only sleep in my bed... lets call this what it was ok... i will see you soon"

He belted out a laugh and said " I get it I get it... ok no cuddle time for me huh? cool... promise you will call me"

"You will hear from me soon" I said

" Sooner than later i hope"

i smiled ... kissed him and told him i will let myself out...

chile..... smh........ i cant do that everyday....lol.....

Off to home... i have work to do... it is 730 in the morning and i have to get in before my sons wake up.... major rule!

I wanted to write this blog before i knock out and take a nap!!!!

I think we will keep the youngin around!

( excuse any typos... im tired lol)

How to properly handle a 24 year old when you are 35

I know... i know.... before you start to get on me let me explain

I am a highly sexual individual and i never make any excuses for that fact. Human interaction has always intrigued me to the core and i tend to flirt with the possibilities of "what if" mostly in my mind :)

I recently met this young dude while i was driving through Harlem. He happened to be driving next to me top down and we were both parked at the light.

"Pull over beautiful so i can talk to you"

"If you can stop my drive then i will be forced to have a conversation with you" i responded.
He laughed as i left him at the green and drifted down 3 avenues with him behind me. We approached 8th Ave at the same time when he .... at the red light.... positioned his car in front of mine so i was blocked in. He then got out of the car... door still open.... key in ignition and walked over to my drivers side.

" Do you normally chase down women in cars for your own enjoyment?"

" No you are my first and last"

We both pulled over and had a brief chit chat about small things no one in the world cares about. He was extremely witty and wildly attractive but possessed this baby face and these dimples that were to die for.

" How old are you?"

" 24... and yourself? wait let me guess.... 27?"

" AWWWWWWWWW you're a baby.... how sweet darling... 35 is my age and i cant even further this conversation because you are entirely too young for me to even take out side to play"

" You might need a young thang in your life... you know... to bring you excitement"

Fastforward to the present day and a hundred of phone conversations later.... he called me yesterday to ask me what i was doing...
" I cut a wig for my daughters aunt and was going to 81st street to drop it off

" Ok i am on 116th street with a bad ankle... i can hardly walk but i would like to see you"

(i haven't really made it my business to see him since we met)

" Ok i will come pick you up and you can ride with me back downtown"

When he got in the car i have to say he smelled amazing... he was much more attractive then i remembered him to be and was extremely sexy... i mean... extremely. As we drove and conversed and i paid attention to him i became sexually attracted to his aura. It was like.... every time he looked at me it made me breathe deeper to calm down just a little bit.

As 3 hours easily passed while we spoke in the car he asked to give me a hug. I leaned over to put my arms around him to say good bye and this boy took his hands and grabbed me from the nape of my neck in a strong commanding way and dragged his hands all the way down my back to the hook of my ass. Then took both hands and grabbed my little waist and brought me closer to him.... stared into my face with a very intense look while our noses practically touched.
It was at that time i made the decision that i am going to keep him around more often.. lol

" I have to leave now" i said... still staring at me .... ( this boy is so sexy ) " ok... if you must"

" Oh young man if life were that easy " as i let his grip loosen

he laughed then kissed my hand and said " Until next time beautiful " The kid has game...lol

As i was driving home i received this text

-Listen i'm sorry if this may sound vulgar or come off to strong for your delicate lil self but i want to have you sit on my face for about an hour and "talk" to you in a different way. In time if you allow .. i hope you don't think i'm crass i just had to let you know what i'm feeling-

I think we will keep the youngin around .... i like the way he thinks

Dude #1 -So what i am married... i am still in love with you

"Neffy it is our anniversary"

"Who is this? I don't have any of the contacts in my new phone"

"This is your baby ( lets call him dude1...lol)

"Sigh.... didn't i tell you not to call me anymore dude? how many times must we have this conversation... oh and by the way how is your wife?"

" She's well...look... i might go away but i always will come back cause i love you and you know that.... i wanted to know if i can see you tomorrow so i can talk to you in person about something... do you have time?"

" Sure i will call you when i get into Manhattan"

i know what you are thinking... why would i agree to see someone that i told time and time again not to call me? Well i really don't know the honest answer to that... but i knew if i didn't give him sometime he will never go away.

Fast forward next day.... driving through Harlem i give "dude 1" a call and ask where he was located.

"i am in Harlem and will be here for only another 20 mins so if you can make it here then i can talk to you" I said

he arrived in 10 lol.

"Dude 1" proceeded to tell me how he cant live without my friendship and how he thinks about me all the time and wants me to be a part of his life.

"Let me ask you a question" i said " how is your relationship with your wife... i mean... do you find her attractive? are you in love with her... what's going on?"

"My wife is like you... i find her so amazing... so sexy.. she is thick and i have been with her for 12 years... but marriage is hard work and i work hard everyday at it"

" this is working hard?" i asked " Are you seriously looking at me in my face while i sit in your car and you talk about how sexy i am and you are really going to say that this is hard work? Let me ask you a question... we are friends first so i have to ask you this and i want you to be honest.... DO YOU THINK YOU ARE BEING SELFISH BY WANTING ME IN SUCH A STRONG CAPACITY.... IN A CAPACITY OF LOVE& LUST WHILE YOU ARE MARRIED? don't you think that if your wife was sitting in a car while some dude was talking about how much he loved her would make you want to kill them both?"

silence... dead silence.... we sat in that truck for about a good 5 mins before he gave me this answer

" i mean... i guess i am being selfish... but what do i do with how i feel about you Nef?"

" You give all of those emotions to your wife... all of it... please for me... if you say you love her and you want to be my friend then understand that i cant be apart of your life at all cause i'm not good for you and your growth. I don't want to be with you... you hinder my growth and you wouldn't want to do that as my friend would you?"

" Never... i never want to be an obstacle "

" Then you have to let me go... you have to let the thoughts of me go and you have to stop being selfish... you have to grow up and i mean that with all due respect. I love you forever but i cant be apart of your desires... i don't want to .... it is all bad karma... even my being in this car"

" i understand" he said very sad.... " can i call you?"

"No.. i would rather you not"

"Nef, you do love me... only someone who loves me will let me go with such grace... i will do as you wish... just know that you are always apart of me... always"

I gave him a hug.... smiled and grabbed his hand " Proud of you... see you around"

Was that hard for me to do? Nope... through this journey i will practice what i preach to everyone

- only keep those around you that will be loyal to you-

one down... many more to go

Lets see who is next :)

What have I done?

Sigh.....

When will i learn how not to get my heart broken? I mean.... can you completely learn how to prevent such disasters?

ok i tend to be a bit dramatic so let me explain the issue.

I just had to end yet another relationship with someone that said they love me so much that they felt they were losing themselves in the process.

Sounds like game doesn't it? I think it does just a tad!!!!
The real issue we departed was due to the fact that he isn't where he wants to be in his life.... so being with a woman like me makes him feel less than.

It has to be difficult to feel less than when you are in love with someone. Thinking that what they say or do doesn't impact your life at all... i don't know that feeling to be honest with you... i'm too busy doing my own thing.

Oh i forgot to mention that he was also dating some simple chick from a one traffic light dirt road town that made him feel like " home". His traditional ways were reminded in her.... she is deep into church.... simple... they never argued... simple... all this he and i spoke about.
At the time I really didn't pay it any mind due to the fact that when it came time to real life issues i FELT he only confided in me....

sigh

at 35 i should really know all of these tricks shouldn't i?
i think i should...i REALLY REALLY SHOULD.
I am just not in the mood to play any games anymore with ANYONE..... PERIOD

Do i think my ex was a trifling idiot? Nah, i think he took on something he couldn't handle and tried to rock with it for as long as he could. I think that he honestly loves me unconditionally and incredibly but is scared to apply any of that to a future... and for that i thank him.
I thank his punk ass for being so weak that he cried his way out of being a man and learning how to handle real love and responsibility for the possibility of US. He helped me out tremendously because i wasn't paying attention to his flaws.... just his energy... which was pure for me...

oh well... another one bites the dust eh?

This event lead me to reach out to my ex boyfriends and really search and figure out why they loved me and what went wrong according to them. Ya know... therapy!

I will say this.... i wont... i cant... will not... be involved in another romance for a very long time.

I must learn to correct what is subliminally hurting inside so that i don't give off that energy and keep gravitating towards the weak and emotionally unstable.

Let see how this goes....